Judgement – Forgive Self First

Photo on 5-11-15 at 3.32 PM

I gotta hear, I gotta hear, I gotta hear, I gotta hear…. The words to the song “Moonbeams” by Family Band play in my headphones while I ponder this beautiful representation of card 20 of the Major Arcana – Judgement.

The wild thing that you may not know is that Kim Krans, the artist and creator of this Tarot deck known as the Wild Unknown is also one half of the indie chill rock band singing the song in my ears. Sigh. Girl crush.

Judgement is a great card, but the name is somewhat misleading. It evokes the very Christian notion of Judgement Day – the day when all will be judged as worthy of heaven, hell, or possibly something in between. Its often a way to harsh on people we judge as less “holy” or virtuous as us. This tends to be a concept that pagans, witches, New Agers and other people who are interested in Tarot would be repelled by.

But the Personal Growth angle on Tarot takes a positive twist on this concept. Judgement comes when we are ready for forgiveness, are open to awakening and ready for rebirth.  I experienced this very thing recently!

Many of us move through life with baggage related to the original relationship we had with our parents. Often this relationship was not enough to give us a sense of self confidence and love.   I personally have been working through various issues for most of my adult life, believing that if I could only get my parents to acknowledge me in the way I wanted, then I could be free.  I was not shy about asking for this, and have been categorically turned down for as long as I remember. Ha! The universe gives us exactly what we “need”!

So, in my current midlife transition – divorce, career change, personal transformation – I have learned the hard way that I need to go inward and give myself the acknowledgment and love that I desire so deeply. This includes dialoguing with my own inner child, allowing her to be heard and loved, and trusting that she is telling the truth when she wails about her feelings and needs. It’s very difficult, as parenting generally is. But I have finally begun to establish this relationship with myself that I know will bring me freedom from old behavior and thought patterns that don’t work for me anymore.

And here comes my mother …and we enter into the same old argument. (I didn’t say I was perfect!)  But this time she takes the time to hear me and acknowledge me and try to imagine where I am coming from. (She has always wondered where I come from…) For the first time ever, she opens her heart to me in new ways, giving me a chance to sense her love for me and her desire for a deeper connection. All this AFTER I finally figured out how to do it for myself! Ha! My own Mom showed me how the outside world does not cause us to be anything – it only can mirror to us where we are at.

So Judgement is just that. Skeletons out of the closet! Olly olly oxen free! Here’s my ugly little secrets and they are free to fly! They come out, get acknowledged and now they can fly away. No longer trapped in a thicket of denial, anger and the search for outside validation. I acknowledge my funkiness, my dark side, my unhealed wounds. And that helps me to be free.

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